Thursday, June 28, 2012
WORST FAMILY IMAGINABLE
If I were to imagine the worst family I could have, my dad would be Sherlock Holmes, my brother Sheldon Cooper, and my mother would be Robin Scherbatsky.
Every morning I'd wake up to the sound of nails scratching a chalkboard (the sound I despise most) from an alarm clock my dad made. As I wake up I'd find some electrodes glued to my head by my brother to measure my brain waves while I was sleeping. "Sheldooon!!!!!" I'd shriek as I remove those electrodes from my head. I'll find him sitting on "his spot" of the couch while eating his cereal. He'll look at me with disappointment. "Why did you remove my electrodes?" he ask calmly. "It's my head, and STAY AWAY FROM IT," I reply.
"Well, It's my electrodes, and it is worth more than your head," Sheldon said. I groaned, and before I leave to take a shower, I looked at him with mischievous eyes.
"You know, Sheldon? If I were you, I wouldn't be eating that cereal. I dropped my earring inside the box and had no choice but to search inside the box, touching the cereal, and when I couldn't find it, I dumped the cereal on the table and when I found my earring,I put the cereal back in its box," I said. Sheldon gaped at me. "You..you.. touched it?" Sheldon asked in disbelief.
"Yep, every one of'em," I said.
Sheldon started to rinse his mouth with orange juice. "Sheldon, I wouldn't drink from that glass if I were you," I'd say. Sheldon stopped drinking.
"Why?" he asked demandingly.
"I was on kitchen duty yesterday and I can't find the clean rag so I used dad's old shirt," I replied.
I watched with glee as Sheldon's eyes lit up with fury. "Oh, and Sheldon? Don't tell mom or dad or I'll be touching more of your food," I'd say with a wink.
Sheldon just sat there, looking at his contaminated breakfast.
I went up the stairs and found my dad in his study, fixing his watch. "What did you do this time, child?" he asked, his eyes still fixed on the watch.
"Nothing, dad," I'd reply.
"Oh, my dear, from 13 years of experience I believe that you have found it useless to keep things from me," he said. "Do tell me why you touched your brother's food and use my shirt as a rag?" Even though I've been living with him my whole life, I still find it unsettling when he assumed stuff. My dad's study was made so that no sound can enter the room, yet he knew about my conversation with Sheldon.
"He glued electrodes to my head, dad," I'd say.
"Well, that is awful, but you do realize if you do this to Sheldon he'd become worse? He will try to order food as much as possible and will try to get you back," he said, finally looking up from his watch.
" I know, but-"
"There will be no buts. Doing this to your brother can only make matters worse. I do applaud you for having that brilliant idea to annoy Sheldon, but if things do get out of hand, I might need to.." he smiled mischevously, "do something about it."
I shuddered. Sherlock Holmes must have millions of punishments up his sleeve. The last time I did something like this he had pasted 251 Internet Explorers on the desktop of my laptop.
"Understand?" he asked.
"Yep. I understand," I'd reply as I leave his study.
Holmes also had lots of juicy punishments for Sheldon, like one time, he invited lots of guests to our house to celebrate Sheldon's birthday and Sheldon was forced to socialize. Holmes did outrageous things to annoy his children, like how he pretended to die so that Sheldon and I would pay him more attention.
Well Sherlock Holmes was a curious man, and a more curious father.
I walked down the hallway and found my mother, crouching next to Broady, our labrador. Broady appeared to be unconscious, and I knew the reason why. "Dad?" I asked her, and she nodded.
"He had tried to kill Broady 3 times today,"she said, scratching Broady's ear. My mother was probably the most normal family member, unlike my psychotic father and my abnormal brother. The thing was she hated children that isn't hers. When Sheldon and I were younger, our mom usually refused to pick us up from school, and preferred to wait for us in the car. My earliest memory was that of my mom cowering in a corner when a three year old tried to approach her.
"Dad!" I called. He rushed out from his study and brought some sort of vaccine and he inject our dog. Broady sprang back to life and ran away from Sherlock Holmes as fast as possible. My dad took a sip of embalming fluid. He had this method of sipping bits of poison so that he can become immune to it. "You have to stop doing that," Robin said.
He only chuckled as he walked back to his study.
I like these characters personally, but as family members? Not so much. I really do prefer my own family.